You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Can Purell be used as lube?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
