I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
