why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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