Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
