he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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