Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
