I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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