we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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