I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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