Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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