then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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