I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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