sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
