You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
