If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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