She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
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