the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
