Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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