o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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