Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
