Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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