apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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