Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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