he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
