You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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