I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
