Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
