Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize