i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
