at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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