Where did you get a picture of my penis
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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