Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
