Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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