My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
