when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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