Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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