I accidentally had phone sex last night
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
