look no pants
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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