Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
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