got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
