I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
