why didn't you poke me back
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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