Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
