I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Randomize
