You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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