I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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