she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I look better un-naked...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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