Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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