i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
