end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
