Your dad touched me again.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
