I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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