I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
