If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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