Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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