i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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