On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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