I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
