He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
