then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
